For years, my life revolved around my dad’s death…
I’ve never been able to enjoy memories of my dad. All I had was a single old photo of him, and memories of grappling with the gaping hole he left in my heart.
It’s a story that after much emotional turmoil has finally lost it’s sting for me, but every time I tell it, others’ reactions remind me how heavy it really is.
“When I was two my dad left me and shortly after he went missing. Five years later, two hunters found his remains in the woods, and no one really knows for sure what happened.
He was addicted to drugs and let it take over his life. He relentlessly pursued his addiction and was never able to overcome it.”
The emotional wounds this created were further deepened by growing up with multiple father figures. Each of them leaving their own damaging mark on me.
For most of my life, I struggled with a tremendous lack of self-worth. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I held a deeply rooted false belief that I wasn’t good enough for my dad to fight his addiction.
I wasn’t good enough for him to stay.
So I set out to prove I was good enough
I did all the “right” things. I excelled in school, I rocked at sports, I was the poster child for following the rules.
Drinking, NO. Drugs. Heck NO. Partying. No way.
Math competitions ✓
Teacher’s pet ✓
Bible College ✓
Get married ✓
Buy a house ✓
Have a baby ✓
Create a successful photography business ✓
Things we’re going good, until they weren’t…
my husband has struggled his whole life with a sexual addiction, and I was totally blindsided when I discovered he was having an affair.
It felt like everything was crashing down around me. I had followed the all the “rules” but it failed to protect me from getting hurt.
I was faced with the very real possibility that my son would have to grow up in a broken home.
Every doubt I had about myself surfaced.
Instead of not being good enough for my dad to fight his addiction, I felt like I now wasn’t good enough for my husband to fight his.
I simultaneously wanted to run away from him and the hurt, and also run to him because he had become my source of comfort over the years. He was always my safe place.
I chose to stay, and we embarked on the painful and complicated road of rebuilding our marriage.
I am so happy we did, because today we are stronger than we’ve ever been.
"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. do not let bitternessSteal Your Sweetness."
-Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Biggest Risk I Ever Took…
It was one of the first warm days of spring. The sun was shining through the windshield of my car as I sat in the crowded parking lot of the community college my husband was attending for training.
Twenty minutes earlier I was pouring my heart out on a group coaching call sitting in my photography studio (my business at the time), making a life altering discovery.
I hung up from the call, and drove across town to catch my husband for his lunch break. I couldn’t wait. I had to tell him.
But as I sat there I got scared. How do you tell your husband you want to close the photography studio you just spent $20,000 building and start a brand new business as a coach?
I had always been known as the photographer. I had been doing it for ten years.
Could I really just leave it and jump into completely unknown territory?
I could feel in the depth of my heart that this was RIGHT. I felt overwhelmingly compelled in this direction.
INSTEAD OF PLAYING IT SAFE, I JUMPED HEAD FIRST INTO UNKNOWN TERRITORY FULLY TRUSTING MY INTUITION.
The “Right Time” Will Never Come!
I had every reason to wait to start my coaching business. A week after I chose to close the studio and pursue coaching, my husband was laid off.
I had more debt owed, and less money coming in than ever before.
But I knew I was meant for more, and once I had finally found it, I wasn’t going to wait. I pursued my dream relentlessly. I faced every obstacle head on and made this happen by perseverance, grit, and a whole lot of strategic decisions!
I want to help you do the same!